Oh my god. American Jared - you BUFFOON. What on earth were you thinking, giving your rose to Leah? Leah! I mean, seriously - you need your head read.
Not least of all because gorgeous little Russian Sasha (she’s Russian, right? I’m not sure. But I tell you one thing - I’m digging her Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle accent) looked absolutely smoking in that little gold onesie number last tonight.
No, the biggest beef I have with you, dear, sweet American Jared, is that you decided to stay ‘on brand’ and play all nicey-nicey by keeping Leah in, when you absolutely shouldn’t have.
Because girl is being a straight-up pain the the arse!
And. Does. Not. Deserve. To. Be. Sipping. Marguerita. Slushies. In. Paradise.
I was all Team Leah for a long time now, but honestly - who whinges about being stuck on an island. Surrounded by hot dudes with their shirts off. And an unlimited supply of booze?
Seriously - who?
I’ll tell you who - Leah.
The others weren’t happy with her either, most voicing their distaste after the Rose ceremony, saying they’d personally throw her off the island if she said one more time she wanted to leave.
But apparently American Jared honest to god felt he “didn’t have a choice” but to give her that rose.
Um - what? Of course you did! You could have chosen the girl who had only just arrived. And done no one absolutely any harm. And been a bright, refreshing presence in Paradise. And who actually WANTED to be there.
But no - you decided to keep Leah around. American Jared - you have been played.
And honestly - I absolutely cannot tell you how pissed off with you I am right now.
I just - I can’t even.
So instead, I’m going to change tack here, and focus for the rest of this column instead on how freaking AWESOME Keira Maguire is.
I have to admit, I’d never been a fan of her in the past. I never really got her appeal the first time around. Or on I’m a Celeb. A lot of my journo friends have interviewed her over the years and been totally in love with her since the beginning. But it’s taken me this long to get it - girl is KWEEEEEEEN
Over the course of this season, she’s said EVERYTHING we’ve all been thinking. And tonight she really went above and beyond, giving voice to literally every single one of my frustrations.
She really put the cherry on the cake when she leant over, Bea Smith from Wentworth style, and said, ‘You’re a dog’ to Leah after that rose ceremony.
I had to watch it again - that’s how much I was loving it.
Turns out she actually said, ‘You’re all talk’. But I care not - in my head she went full Top Dog and gave Leah the dressing down she deserved.
Yep, if Paradise were Prisoner, and Keira Maguire were Top Dog for real, straight up - I would give every single one of my Monte Carlos to her. I would willingly braid her hair. I would even fashion a perfect Leah-shaped shiv for her if she asked me to.
Because, Keira, girl, you are EVERYTHING.
Australian Jarrod - you are one lucky, lucky man.