After winning Olympic gold in 1976, Caitlyn Jenner became an American hero. An in-demand hit on the motivational speaker circuit, Jenner traveled the world touting self-empowerment in a speech called “Finding the Champion Within.”
Of course, what was hidden “within” Jenner was something very different than the strapping athlete the audiences saw on the surface.
“They don’t know that underneath the business suit I am wearing panties and a bra,” Jenner writes in The Secrets of My Life, a new memoir excerpted exclusively in this week’s issue.
“That I am not Bruce Jenner but a woman I will come to call Caitlyn, who still has to be Bruce except for stolen moments where I can be my authentic self. The speech that I give is called ‘Finding the Champion Within’. All bulls—.”
For decades, Jenner acquired a small collection of women’s clothing – some pilfered from his third wife, Kris Jenner – and regularly dressed up as a woman in private.
“I have [also] stolen makeup…not only from Kris but the rest of K-troop, because – trust me on this – there is more makeup per user in our home than any in history. I have bought makeup how-to-books. I keep the books, along with my meager collection of clothing, in a small closet with a lock in back of my own closet.”
But wearing women’s underwear under her business suits was just one small part of all Jenner withheld from rapt audiences over the years.
“They don’t know that when I look into the mirror I see something entirely different, a body I loathe: a beard that is noticeable no matter how close the shave, a penis that is useless except for pissing in the woods,” says Jenner, who underwent gender confirmation surgery in January.
“They don’t know that I have slept with roughly five women in my life, and I was married to three of them.”
This article originally appeared on PEOPLE.com
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