James Van Der Beek is speaking out about the painful process of suffering a miscarriage — and then learning how to move past it.
Two days after his wife Kimberly revealed that she had three miscarriages throughout her “almost 8.5 years of pregnancy,” the Pose star, 41, shared his own lengthy note about their experiences.
“Wanted to say a thing or two about miscarriages … of which we’ve had three over the years (including right before this little beauty),” he wrote alongside a photo of him and his wife holding their fifth child, daughter Gwendolyn, who turns 3 months old on Saturday.
“First off — we need a new word for it,” he continued, writing that the term miscarriage, “in an insidious way, suggests fault for the mother — as if she dropped something, or failed to ‘carry.’ From what I’ve learned, in all but the most obvious, extreme cases, it has nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do.”
“So let’s wipe all the blame off the table before we even start,” Van Der Beek added.
The actor then went on to open up about how difficult it can be to process, and eventually move on from the loss.
“It will tear you open like nothing else,” he wrote. “It’s painful and it’s heartbreaking on levels deeper than you may have experienced. So don’t judge your grief, or try to rationalize your way around it. Let it flow in the waves in which it comes, allow it its rightful space.”
Continuing, Van Der Beek added, “And then … once you’re able … try to recognize the beauty in how you put yourself back together differently than you were before. Some changes we make proactively, some we make because the universe has smashed us, but either way, those changes can be gifts.”
After experiencing such a life-altering experience, the Dawson’s Creek alum wrote that “some couples become closer than ever before.”
“Many parents realize a deeper desire for a child than ever before. And many, many, many couples go on to have happy, healthy, beautiful babies afterwards(and often very quickly afterwards — you’ve been warned),” Van Der Beek continued, adding a heart-eyed emoji.
“I’ve heard some amazing metaphysical explanations for them, mostly centering around the ideas that these little souls volunteer for this short journey for the benefit of the parents … but please share whatever may have given you peace or hope along the way … Along with a new word for this experience,” he added.
In her own social media post, after opening up about her miscarriages, Kimberly — who also shares Emilia, 2, Annabel Leah, 4½, Joshua, 6, and Olivia, 8 this month, with her husband — went on to comment on all of the other aspects of motherhood that women shouldn’t be criticized for.
“I’ve nursed each child for over a year. Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes it’s heaven. Physically and emotionally on both accounts. I share this because I love my family so much. I’m so grateful for these beautiful souls that asked to come in,” she wrote, noting that “everyone breaks sometimes.”
“When we judge somebody for not nursing, for not attachment parenting, for attachment parenting, for not baby lead weaning, for baby lead weaning, for having a nanny, a babysitter or help, for not having help … Lalalalalala … we are not honoring how sacred and exhausting this journey is and how each person has their own path,” Kimberly continued.
Commenting on her own busy schedule and how exhausted she felt on that particular day, she playfully added, “Now somebody please give me some healing, energizing mojo, food in bed AND a car like The Jetsons, so that I can fly over this damn L.A. traffic and get the kids to school and back in a jiffy and nap while my baby naps instead of her napping while I’m driving. Ya feel me? ❤️”