Maci Bookout is worried about the father of her oldest child.
On Monday’s all-new episode of Teen Mom OG, Maci, Amber Portwood and Catelynn Baltierra all traveled to Puerto Rico with their beaus for Catelynn’s birthday.
During a reflective moment on the tropical vacation, the three MTV stars had a heart-to-heart about Maci’s ex, Ryan Edwards, with whom she shares 8-year-old Bentley.
“I don’t think Ryan and I would have ended up together no matter what. Even if we didn’t get pregnant,” Bookout admitted to Portwood and Baltierra.
When Baltierra asked how Ryan was doing, Bookout admitted, “He’s okay,”
“Ryan’s f—ed up,” Portwood chimed in. “I watch it, I see it, I know it,” she continued as Bookout shook her head in agreement.
Portwood continued: “Where he’s at right now, when I see him, I know where he’s at and I’m like, ‘Wow, he needs some guidance.’ ”
Upon Baltierra questioning whether anyone close to Ryan has “talked to him about going to a treatment centre,” Bookout admitted that, “[Ryan] would do it. It’s everyone else around him that’s too afraid to admit it.”
When Portwood suggested that Ryan have somebody that he can turn to, Bookout revealed that “he’s got me.”
“What I’m saying is that everyone else around him is too afraid of what it will look like more than his health,” said Bookout, who confirmed to Baltierra that everyone is in denial about his battle. “Absolutely, it’s all denial. They all know.”
“Honestly, the hardest thing is for me to see Ryan not love himself because he is a person worth loving. He deserves to love himself,” Bookout explained.
Portwood added, “People forget that. You are so in love with the drugs that you feel that if you wake up in the morning without them you want to die. So, should I die? It’s a feeling that you can never f—ing feel unless you’ve really been to the bottom. He needs to find where his bottom may be.”
While reflecting on Ryan’s struggles, Bookout broke down in tears and revealed the fears that she has about her ex, including him dying.
“I’m just sick of cleaning up his mess,” an emotional Bookout said. “I get tired of dealing with the s—. Just being the only one that f—ing sees everything and cares,” she said wiping away tears.
“I talk to Taylor about it like, ‘I wonder if today’s going to be the day that Ryan does something that he can’t come back from?’ ” she continued.
Later that same day, Bookout and her husband, Taylor McKinney, enjoyed a sunset stroll on the beach, where she opened up to him about her chat with the Teen Mom OG stars.
“That’s exactly what I needed was two people that have been there on both sides of it that have my back no matter what,” said Bookout. “They were genuinely just there for me.”
When McKinney asked if Portwood and Baltierra had any advice for his wife, she responded, “Yeah they did: to do it. Stop being scared.”
“I’m just going to be like, ‘You have to go to rehab,’ ” she said about what she plans to tell Ryan, who is engaged to his girlfriend, Mackenzie.
“Right now is legitimately about saving his life,” she continued. “Most nights I’m crying in our bed talking to you about whether or not today is the day that he’s going to die or when I’m going to do something about it or how I should do something about it. And you’ve always just been there for me. Thank you for being there for me and for not making me feel like that’s not what I should be doing. I appreciate it.”
This article originally appeared on PEOPLE
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