1. What is Brett doing on the show?
Seriously? What? Dude has a girlfriend! And it took all of about two and a half seconds before Tara called him out on it. She’s excited he’s there, telling the girls, “Brett and I are good friends. Also - he’s dating my friend.”
Um, what to the what now?
He’s dating your FRIEND? Isn’t he here to find love?
Later, as Osher gives his OH and S demonstration in the Drama Cabana, the plot thickens. Osher’s got his clipboard, and he’s making sure everyone in Paradise is actually single. Tara? Tick. Davey? Leah? Tick. Brett? Um. Yeah - cut to a taped interview with a producer.
Brett’s saying, “That’s the premises (um - what?!) to get here. You had to be single. Let’s just leave it at that,” while hinting that he might have hooked up with someone else “from home” that may or may not be coming.
Let’s just leave it at that? Um - I think not. To be continued...
2.Where is Keira?
Um, excuse me - I was promised Keira. And Jarrod. And so far, we’re half an hour in and goddam - where’s our fave pair of lips and Stage Three Clinger? I know they get there eventually - but why are producers waiting so long to bring them in. Hurry up, already. The ice in my mojito is melting...
3. Um, what? Does Nina really hold the Guinness World Record for longest on-screen pash?
Remember Neens? She got her heart broken by Sam Wood. And check it out - this Snez-alike is back to find love again. She might even up her Guinness World Record for longest on-screen pash (seriously - this is an actual record. Look it up. She scored that dubious honour courtesy of a sucky-face session on the top of the Harbour Bridge with Sam - and I am not even joking). She’s excited about all the “aesthetically pleasing men” in the vicinity. All I can see is a mess of pastel-coloured linen - but I’ll take her word for it.
4. Where is Keira?
Um, helllloooooo - still no Keira. And while we’re at it - no Laurina. We’re at 041.56mins people - tick tick, Ten...
5. Why is that guy wearing a blazer?
Jake’s here now too. And I have to admit, I had to bone up on this dude with a quick Googs sesh. Apparently, he’s from season two, which I didn’t watch, so I have no idea who he is. But he seems boring, no? Is he? Fill me in, someone. And also - he’s wearing a blazer. A freaking BLAZER people. In Paradise. Why? Take it off, you mentalist.
6. Wait - Flo used to date him? Why?
Hang on - what’s going on. Um, Florence has sidled over. Apparently she went out with Jake once? Wait, what? Cute, sweet Flo once went out with boring blazer man? This makes no sense.
7. Why is this love triangle so bloody confusing?
Ah, right - there’s a love triangle now. Of COURSE there is. But can someone draw me a flow chart? Or a Venn Diagram. Because I am NOT on top of this whole Flo/Jake/Davey love triangle. I’m guessing you’re not either. So here’s Tara breaking down Davey’s conundrum for us:
“His mate likes Flo, he likes Flo. Leah likes him. He’s kind of interested in Leah. What does Davey do? Davey looks at Jake. Jake’s looking at Davey. Flo’s looking at Davey. Leah’s like, ‘Hi.’ So this love triangle has now become a love square.”
Good - glad we got that sorted.
8. Why has everyone there slept with one another already?
Seriously - what’s with all these Bachelor rejects hooking up with each other? Surely the dating gene pool in Aus isn’t THAT dire (send your rebuttals in a stamped, self-addressed envelope to You’re Wrong, 27 Wrong Street, Wrong Town. I’ll respond to each individually)?
It’s like all these people have either slept with each other, thought about sleeping with each other or are planning on sleeping with someone else from one of the other Bachelor shows. Talk about incestuous. Icky yuck. But also - yay! Great TV!
9. Will Flo’s boob escape?
Now we’re back at the Cabana. Osher’s also explaining the rules, which, yeah, blah blah - something about girls having the power, and giving out the first roses at the commitment ceremony. ‘Something, something, eight men, five women - three men will go home at the first rose ceremony.’ But honestly - I didn’t hear any of it properly because I was just WAAAAY too distracted by Florence’s side-boob. I was worried sick it might escape it’s Lycra home. Davey’s not though. Davey is nothing but a gentleman as he determinedly looking ONLY at Flo’s face as he leans in and asks for a date. Well played, Davey - well played.
10. Oh, hi Keira!
At last! She’s here. Finally, we can get this party started. And, can I say - she looks SMOKING! All those beans and rice in the African jungle has her looking peachy cute in her baby blue mini dress. Bless. Right - now where’s Jarrod? When do those two get married?
Let’s get this show on the road.