Take Pete* for example. Pete’s 40 and left a marriage because his wife didn’t want to engage in extra-marital affairs. He didn’t want to cheat on her but felt it was self-deceptive to remain monogamous. He’s now in what’s technically an open relationship where he gets to “play” with others. But his ideal would be to be polyamorous and build relationships with his partner and others – and possibly together.
Clare* has a different scenario. She recently married and is looking for a third person to enter the relationship. Her husband is yet to come to the party so she’s seeking advice via a polyamory Facebook group.
Polyamory vs polygamy
You’ll notice the common theme here is openness. Neither of these people are willing to feed their intimacy or sexual desires by going behind their partner’s backs. There are respect and a commitment to being transparent.
People in polyamorous relationships (whether dating, straight, gay) have created an agreement about what it means for them. To list the versions of polyamory would take a lifetime. Effectively, it’s whatever two (or more) people consent to. But it’s way more sophisticated and complex than just being a relationship with multiple partners. Because polygamy is also that. And again, there’s a difference.
In polygamy, only one party has multiple partners: where they raise the thought:
I want a polyamorous relationship or my husband/wife wants a polyamorous relationship.
Famous polyamorous relationship stories
Hugh Hefner was known for having at least 3 girlfriends at one time, but they weren’t necessarily afforded (or maybe wanted?) the same freedom in return.
Some religions approve of polygamy. Often in these cases it’s authorised for men (polygyny), but denied for women (polyandry). The difference between polygamy and polyamory then, is the freedom for both parties to have consensual, non-monogamous relationships.
Two (or three) is Better Than One
Diane Cameron is an alternative relationship specialist and the founder of PolyPossible. She coaches people through their polyamorous journey, having travelled it herself. Before discovering there was such a thing as polyamorous relationships, she admits she fell under the cheating statistic.
In her Red Talk at Sexpo, she talks about how she went from being confused about cheating – she still loved her boyfriend, she still wanted to be with him – but equally, was attracted to other men and wanted to explore that.
Once she realised what polyamory was, it all came together for her. And much like many people who choose this lifestyle, it comes about through chance.
When Andy, a technology expert in his 40s, met his ex-partner, she let him know straight away that she had no desire to be in a monogamous relationship. Rather than be put off by that he says “The idea was interesting and exciting and I decided to give it a go.” In order to make it work, they laid down one important ground rule: “without prior discussion and agreement, there was to be no unprotected sex.”
At one point, their partnership included a third person – a woman. “Most often we would enjoy time and sex with our girlfriend independently, occasionally whilst the other was busy with another partner. Less often we would go out together, make love together, or sleep together.”
Sexual fluidity is something that can be readily explored in polyamorous relationships. “Polyamory is a lifestyle that requires a fair bit of openness and acceptance of people as they are in the moment,” says Cameron. “Because of the fluidity in being able to define each relationship on a case-by-case basis, this fluidity often spills over when considering sexuality and gender.”
But that’s not to say that all polyamorous relationships are sexually fluid. It’s just that they can be.
Pace Yourself
If you or your partner want to be in a polyamorous relationship, the key is to allow it to unfold at its own pace. Rushing ahead and putting pressure on yourself to feel comfortable with it is something Cameron commonly sees in her clients.
“A lot of people don’t give themselves time and feel if they can’t be laissez-faire about all the challenges polyamory brings, then they’ve failed.” Her advice? Let it be. “This lifestyle is a journey, not a destination. Polyamory is not a pass or fail, but a constant shifting of perspectives, reassessing boundaries and self-exploration.”
The rules about polyamory
It’s commonplace and helpful to set spoken ‘rules’ when entering a polyamorous relationship. Franklin Veaux, author of More Than Two says it’s vital to have open communication and make sure everyone is on the same page.
He suggests you ask questions like: “What are you all looking for? Under what circumstances is it OK for you or your partners to take another lover? Do you have a say in your partner’s partners? If so, what kind of say?”
And don’t think that having rules means you’ll never have problems. Despite the safe-sex rule in his relationship, Andy still felt having multiple partners engendered a level of concern about STDs. When it came to jealousy or ever feeling left out though, he was surprisingly OK and didn’t experience either. But Cameron finds that jealousy can often rise up when a person enters a polyamorous relationship.
“Knowing your partner is out with someone else can be highly triggering,” she says. But jealousy can be an avenue into exploring any underlying insecurities and can heighten your experience of polyamory, rather than be a sign it’s not for you.
“When clients have the pang of jealousy, they often feel guilty or think that they just aren’t able to be polyamorous. Although this may be the case, I see jealousy as a springboard for further exploration into a person’s values, beliefs, needs, and wants.”
For Lise, a TV editor, who has been with her ‘nesting partner’ for a decade, says the greatest challenge of being in a polyamorous relationship is “scheduling and balancing every partner’s needs and wants along with my own.” She adds, “A common saying in polyamory is that love is infinite, but time and resources are not.”
Lise and her partner entered their relationship fully committed to building a polyamorous relationship together and one of the keys for them might surprise you. “The most counterintuitive truth I’ve found in ethical monogamy,” says Lise, “is that the more freedom we allow a partner and the less we attempt to control their behaviour, the better a relationship is.”
Polyamory vs Open Relationship: What’s the Difference?
If polyamory is being open and able to have multiple partners, how is that different to an open relationship? Franklin Veaux, author of More Than Two makes the distinction between a polyamorous relationship and an open one being the involvement of all partners (polyamory) and not just about sex (open relationship).
In an open relationship, one or both (or more) partners can seek sex elsewhere – think swinging. Open relationships, according to Veaux are more about casual sex whereas polyamory is when a romantic attachment is formed. And one can be part of the other. You could be in a polyamorous and open relationship where you are romantically attached to one or more people and are supported in taking occasional lovers, just for sex.
But, says Veuax, polyamory, unlike an open relationship is not about being non-committal. “Polyamorists do not discard their lovers when the next interesting person walks down the road.” He adds, “A polyamorous relationship isn’t about sex; it’s about building a romantic relationship with more than one person at a time.” That’s called polyfidelitous and is “not much different from a traditional monogamous relationship, only there are more than two people involved.”
So, you can see, there are as many ways to be in a polyamorous relationship as there are people on the planet and it’s certainly not about being unable to commit. If you can’t commit to one person you have little chance of committing to two, or more.
The main takeaway, then, is that contrary to popular belief, polyamory is not ‘free love’. As Veuax puts it: “They are all about building relationships, not about sex.”