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Sexless Marriage: Definition And Possible Causes
A sexless marriage, as defined by relationship experts, is a marriage where the couple has sex fewer than 10 times a year. If you’re wondering how common it is, it’s estimated that 15% to 20% of marriages are considered ‘sexless’. Sometimes these couples have physically intimate moments, like hugging or holding hands, although this physical intimacy rarely escalates to sex.
Why Do Some Couples Have Trouble Getting Frisky?
There are tons of reasons why a couple might end up in a sexless marriage. One common reason actually stems from religion!
There are a lot of marriages out there, where one partner may actually be a closeted homosexual, and is maintaining the appearance of heterosexuality because of Christian beliefs. There are quite a few Bible verses that condemn same-sex relations, so some people would rather deny their sexuality and stay in a sexless marriage than go against their religious beliefs.
Some people find it hard to orgasm during sex, so they may find sex rather boring. Others find themselves dealing with changes that interfere with their libido, like stress, depression, erectile dysfunction, or menopause. Couples also have sex less frequently as they get older and older, which is also due to diminished libido or even impotence.
But the most common reason for a sexless marriage simply comes down to one or both partners having a low sex drive. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t always women who are turning down sex! On average, both genders are equally libidinous, and both genders can suffer from low libido. According to The Australian Study of Health and Relationships, 68.3% of women said they wanted sex more often than they got it.
Men are especially quiet about having a low libido, because the social expectation is that they want it all the time. Sex therapist Bettina Arndt says that this, in turn, can make women feel insecure about their looks and sexual desirability. "Since many of them are surrounded by friends whose partners are driving them mad by wanting sex, these women end up feeling there is something wrong with them."
Can A Sexless Marriage Ever Be A Happy One?
It may seem shocking, but there are cases where marriages can be perfectly happy despite a lack of sex. Tons of these couples have actually shared their practical advice on online forums, they usually say that communication is key; if you’ve both talked it over, and both agree that sex isn’t that important, then the marriage can last!
John and Maria have been married for over twenty years, and even though their only son will soon be leaving for college, they’re not interested in rekindling their sex life.
“We talked it over, and it was awkward,” Maria said. “But we had to be honest about whether sex was a dealbreaker. I wasn’t interested in having that much sex anymore, but that didn’t make me love him less. I was so relieved when he said he was happy to go celibate with me.”
John affirmed, “My sex drive wasn’t really that high anyway. It was good to open up the topic. We’re still together, we still enjoy our nights in and have dates. I actually don’t miss the sex. It wasn’t my priority in the relationship. She is.”
The Dangers Of A Sexless Marriage
While John and Maria may have made it work, not every couple is happy in a celibate marriage. If couples don’t talk about their sex life honestly with each other, there’s a strong chance that the marriage will suffer.
Sexless marriages that lack open communication can have serious detrimental effects on the self-esteem of both parties:
- The effect on the husband or the man in the relationship is often that he feels worthless, unmasculine, and like he has have failed to make his partner happy.
- The effect on the wife or the woman in the relationship is often that she feels unattractive, unwanted, and completely neglected.
These negative emotions can lead to depression and anxiety, and resentment of one’s partner. Some people may find it difficult to stay in the marriage without cheating, which will only lead to damaged trust and a broken family. It’s hard to say what the divorce rate is for sexless marriages, but it’s fair to assume that it’s pretty high.
Advice For People In Sexless Marriages
Image: https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/462533824207583131/
If you’re in a sexless marriage and want to have sex more frequently, here are some of our tips to get closer to your partner.
- Schedule sex. As unromantic as this may sound, try to have sex at least once a month. Planning it can give you both a chance to talk about what you want to try, and what you expect. This can help make you feel more connected to each other, and sex will be easier and more enjoyable.
- Talk to a medical professional if there is a physical reason why sex is difficult or unpleasurable.
- Consult a sex therapist if there are some underlying sex issues that are plaguing your marriage. A therapist will help mediate the conversation and help you two learn to open up to each other. Don’t worry, they’ve heard everything.
- Learn to communicate with each other. A lack of communication means a lack of warmth and intimacy. You’re not going to enjoy sex when you constantly feel like your needs aren’t met!
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