RELATIONSHIPS (IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH BREAD) OR QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICES
Before we get started, there are a few things that are fundamental to any and all the relationships we have throughout our lives. Firstly, it’s important to have a good relationship with yourself.
Here are some mantras that I find helpful:
MANTRAS TO SAY TO YOURSELF
• I won’t compare myself to others. Ever.
• There is more than enough to go around – someone else’s success doesn’t diminish mine.
• All I can do is my best.
• No-one can do me like I can do me. Being myself is my greatest superpower.
• Run my own race.
• Be grateful for everything, big, small and in-between.
• I have great hair.
• I am hot. Painfully attractive.
• These undies are 12 years old – it’s time to throw them away, mate. Why do I still own them?
MANTRAS W--KERS SAY TO THEMSELVES
There are people in the world who don’t have the same heart as you. Here is what I imagine these people are walking around thinking:
• I will just do whatever I want.
• Women aren’t equal to men.
• Manipulating people is fun.
• What’s empathy?
• What’s remorse?
• There are no consequences to my actions – being a dick is the best.
• I never take responsibility for things I have 1000 per cent done.
• I love it when I can blame my mistakes on others.
MY DAILY INTERACTIONS VS NORMAL PEOPLE’S DAILY INTERACTIONS WITH PEOPLE
With a boss
Most people: I’ll make sure I send my contract over immediately.
Me: Can the work Christmas party have strippers? Or at least camels. Can I have the company card? I’ll organise it.
With a hairdresser
Most people: Yeah, it’s been a crazy week.
Me: Settle in, Linda. Do I have some personal issues I’m gunna tell you about today! I’m talking deep problems I have had since childhood! I also may have some stories that just by telling you will make you an accomplice. But hear me out …
With a gynaecologist
Most people: Thanks so much. I am a normal person and conduct myself like a proper fully-realised and rational human.
Me: Is my vagina normal? On a scale of 1-10, how normal is it? Is it attractive? Is there a beauty pageant for vaginas? Should I enter? Also, do you love vaginas? You must. Can you take a picture of my vagina? Is that a normal question? Maybe you should wear two pairs of gloves.
With a personal trainer
Most people: Thanks SO MUCH for today, I had a great session!
Me: I hate you. I hate coming here. I hate running, I hate sweating and you’re overpriced. See ya next week.
With a barista
Most people: One soy latte, please.
Me: Can I have my coffee with 12 shots? Also, your boobs look good in that top. Can we hang out socially?
Most people: You got this, gurl!
Me: I know I should love you, but you make it hard cos you spend all our money online-shopping and I can’t buy a house because of it. What’s worse is you never wear any of it. Also, please make more consistent and healthy meals – you have thrown away so many lettuces and carrots this year because your grocery-buying self isn’t in contact with your I’m-gunna-make-a-meal self.
Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. Some friends are for a reason,a season or won’t leave you alone … even if you have asked multiple times. Different friendships require different things and you have such differing expectations of each friend. You also have different friends for different things in your life.
You have your everyday bestie, you have your high-school friends who know you and yell at you for wearing that unflattering top constantly. You have your uni friends – who are still stoned – and you have your work friends, who you’re not sure if they stole your stapler or not.
You have that friend [who] you have no idea how you met but they still owe you $500. And you have those friends you have known since childhood, probably the offspring of your mum’s friends, and even though you’re not that close or similar anymore, you still hang out because you can’t imagine your life without them.
They are also 100 per cent using your Disney+ subscription, even though they deny it. Friends are undoubtedly important. Not as important as carbonara, but they are up there.
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