Jenelle Evans was once using heroin four or five times a day during the peak of her drug addiction, the Teen Mom 2 star admits in her upcoming memoir.
According to an excerpt obtained by E! News, Evans writes in Read Between the Lines: From the Diary of a Teenage Mom, that the opioid drug began to control her life shortly after she tried if for the first time.
Evans says that she “won’t glamorize the drug by going into the long details of why people love it so damned much,” but admits that her “first trip was amazing.”
“Before I knew it, I was shooting up four or five times a day. I was hooked,” she writes in the excerpt.
The drug soon took its toll: Evans says she lost her family – including son Jace, who was, at one point, under the sole custody of her mother Barbara Evans. Much of Evans’ custody and personal problems with her mother were documented during her time on the MTV show, on which she started appearing in 2011.
“I disowned my mother and siblings and friends, but the truth is no one wants to talk to you when they suspect you’re a junkie,” she says.
Continuing, the 25-year-old says, “It hurt my heart, made me sick to my soul that I couldn’t see my son. I filled that hateful void with more drugs. The drugs always made the pain go away. They didn’t turn on me or betray me. I guess heroin was my first steady, dependable lover. It gave me what I needed to live and I gave it my life. By this entry, heroin was the only thing I had in my life that loved me.”
The reality TV star is now a mom of three: Jace, 8, Kaiser, 2, and Ensley, 4 months.
This article originally appeared on PEOPLE