During the MTV reality show’s season 7 premiere on Monday night, Amber Portwood struggled to figure out whether to end things with fiancé Matt Baier after the season 6 reunion.
Portwood, 27, revealed she was afraid she’d be letting go of the wrong guy to an MTV producer while in New York City after the reunion took place.
“Nothing’s changed at all,” the mother of one said. “It’s hard. I just feel like I’m trickling down a little bit with the relationship, I’m slowly going down as he treats me like s—.”
She continued, “I’m just kind of feeling my way through this right now, in any way that I can. It’s nothing but stress.”
When a friend who was with her asked if Portwood was afraid to be alone, the reality star said, “I’m scared that I developed this relationship with this guy that I loved and am I making a mistake if I let him go?”
Returning to the home she shares with Baier, he tried to make amends with Portwood after the various arguments they had in season 6 including the rift between them that began when Baier, a recovering addict, offered Catelynn Lowell Baltiera a Xanax during the previous season.
“The first two years of our relationship we were really, really good at not letting people get to us,” Baier said.
“I’m the one who’s been dealing with this s— for three years — since the beginning with all the lies,” Portwood said. “You’ve got to understand I am going to have trust issues.”
Baier responded with, “Me too,” which caught Portwood by surprise as she asked, “Did you say, ‘Me too?'”
“Not in the same way,” he quickly said. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Are you f—ing high right now?” Portwood asked him.
Baier jokingly said, “I wish. I do.”
Portwood didn’t appreciate his sense of humor, saying, “Excuse me? Jesus Christ.”
“Why would you ask me if I’m high? Yeah I did drugs,” he said, turning to directly face MTV cameras. “And yeah, if you want me to say it on camera, I relapsed the year and I’m not ashamed of it.”
He continued, “Why did I relapse? Because of all this bulls—. You can only take so much of this s— and I relapsed pretty f—ing hard. I was going through a really tough time.”
Baier suggested he and Portwood “go back to our life, get back to counseling and f— the world.”
Portwood had a different suggestion in mind.
“[Let’s] go slow right now, I think the wedding needs to be … completely … done right now,” she said. “[I’m] not even thinking about the wedding or anything, or being engaged.”
Baier, shocked, asked, “And what?”
The other moms on the show also faced their own life changing moments, with Farrah Abraham’s mother, Debra, trying to be a mediator in the tenuous relationship between her fiancé, David, and her daughter. Catelynn and Tyler Baltierra worried about Butch’s mental health as he got off of parole after his history of drug abuse. Maci Bookout struggled to preserve her relationship with Ryan Edwards’ wife, Mackenzie, as he spent time in rehab.
This article originally appeared on PEOPLE