“They can’t accept the fact that I have postpartum in any way,” she said, referring to people online who criticized her parenting. “I just didn’t know what it felt like because I’d never experienced that before.”
Portwood shared that her relationship with boyfriend Andrew Glennon, who is the father to her 7-month-old son James, had also changed.
“Our relationship has definitely been different. We’re not as lovey, we’re not as on each other as we used to be,” she said. “We’re really tired from the baby and we’re stressed out because I’m always unhappy.”
However, her unhappiness ran deeper than stress.
“There was a night that I was waiting for him and James to go to bed so I could kill myself,” she said, beginning to cry. “For some odd reason, [Glennon] could feel it and he’s like, ‘I’m not going to bed.'”
The MTV star continued, “It doesn’t feel good to go and do things, it doesn’t feel good to be alive right now.”
She explained trolls on social media had also called her out for not spending as much time with her 10-year-old daughter Leah as she spends with James. (Portwood shares her daughter with ex-boyfriend Gary Shirley.)
“I have people saying to me, like, ‘Why couldn’t you do this for Leah?’ And it’s like, I was young and stupid,” she said, crying.
Krystal attempted to console her, saying, “Who cares what other people think? Listen, you may not feel like getting out of the house daily and doing things but there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s typical depression, it really is.”
Portwood sought help from costar Catelynn Baltierra, who entered rehab late last year for suicidal thoughts after suffering from a miscarriage.
“I’m just at my end,” Portwood said. “I’m literally, I feel like I’m at my lowest right now. I’m not… I have no will. I’m not living for myself at the moment.”
Baltierra, 26, replied, “Just those words scare me. I would love to see you at a place where you could [live for yourself]. But if you really need help, there are places you can go — know that. So you don’t feel hopeless.”
Speaking of her own experience, Baltierra explained she chose to enter rehab because her “suicidal ideation was so bad.”
Shaking her head, Portwood said, “Mental illness is real s—.”
“It’s real. I just happen to be on a popular show with a mental illness that is real. It’s complete sabotage when you’re called a horrible mom every day,” she continued, referring to online trolls.
Portwood added, “This show has ruined my name. This show has not shown who I am as a person. They don’t show the funny side of me, they show bad mom, they show all that s—, they show the struggle, they show me crying, they show postpartum. So I go, okay, that’s what’s going on in my life so I guess that’s true. I’m over it.”
In November, Portwood tweeted, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to quit this show.“
Following her tweets, she refused to continue filming with MTV per an explanation by the network in the episode that read, “After expressing her unhappiness with the show online, Amber is refusing to film.”
In 2017, Portwood said on the show she had been re-diagnosed with borderline personality and bipolar disorder.
This first appeared on PEOPLE.