Whitney Port is sharing the emotional struggle of parenting her son Sonny Sanford without having her own parent around.
In a new chapter of her series, “I Love My Baby But…,” The Hills alum, 32, breaks down in tears as she details the immense grief she feels nearly five years after she lost her father Jeffrey to kidney cancer in March 2013.
“It has been a traumatic and grief filled world for me for so many reasons. Simply put, he was my dad. He was the main man in my life for almost all of my life and really ruled at it. I miss him every single day,” Port captioned her YouTube video, which also featured her 3-month-old child.
“More recently, really since Sonny was born, I find myself missing him more and more. It’s unfortunate how such amazing times in ones life, like getting married or having a baby, can be colored with such darkness,” the mother of one said.
Concluding, “We are so happy but then quickly feel the loss of their presence and it’s really hard to come to terms with.”
Throughout her pregnancy and after she gave birth, Port has kept it real about new parenthood with husband Tim Rosenman and has been honest about some of the harsher realities around having a baby.
She previously got emotional over breastfeeding pain, telling viewers and followers: “It just started to get so incredibly painful. And we came home and I just hit a breaking point and said, ‘I can’t do this. It feels as though someone is slicing my nipples with glass.’ ”
In addition, she also got candid about childbirth. “It’s painful and uncomfortable. And along with having to take care of a newborn, you also have a whole other situation to take care of,” she said about vaginal delivery.
This article originally appeared on PEOPLE