Whether you’re in the dating pool or just chronically online, you’re likely familiar with “red flags” in dating.
This refers to early warning signs in relationships that signal incompatibility or worrying behaviour that’s indicative of a deeper problem, such as abuse.
However, thanks to platforms like TikTok, the term “red flag” has become a blanket for just about every little thing.
The man you want to introduce to your family refers to everyone as “dude”? Red flag.
The girl you’ve been on a couple of dates with doesn’t like dogs? Sorry to say, but red flag.
“In today’s dating culture, the term ‘red flag’ gets thrown around a lot and sometimes unfairly,” explains Sarah Richardson, CEO of Online Psychologists Australia.
And naturally, with the current overuse of the term, it can be hard to work out what genuinely is – and isn’t – cause for concern when it comes to dating.
Here, we asked Richardson to debunk whether some of the most common dating behaviours really are red flags…
Red flags: Constant messages
We don’t mean if your partner offers up the occasional play-by-play of their day – instead, we’re talking about someone who constantly messages to check up and monitor your whereabouts.
While on the surface level, this type of behaviour can be cute, it can indicate control issues.
“Controlling behaviours [can include] monitoring your location, isolating you from friends and family or limiting your financial independence,” Richardson says.
These behaviours often start subtly and can become more obvious over time (think: a frog in a pot of boiling water).
Not: Slow replies
Sure, slow texters might cause some anxiety, but Richardson notes it’s rarely a sign of disinterest or manipulation.
“More often, it’s just a reflection of a full life outside of the phone screen,” she notes.
“While sometimes uncomfortable, it is not evidence of an unhealthy dynamic.”
Ultimately, Richardson suggests slow replies often indicate that you and your partner are simply learning how to communicate — see, very normal.
Red flags: Gaslighting
Put simply, Richardson defines gaslighting as “when you’re made to question your sanity, memory or feelings”.
This isn’t to be confused with you and your partner arguing over a mismatched version of events one time, as gaslighting is typically continuous.
By constantly undermining your perception of reality, people who gaslight do so in a bid to exert power over you.
Not: Wanting alone time
Like being a slow replier, if your partner is craving alone time, it’s usually not a big ol’ red flag.
“Someone who enjoys spending time alone isn’t necessarily emotionally unavailable,” Richardson explains.
“They might simply value their independence and self-care, which is a hallmark of emotional maturity, not detachment.”
Red flags: Nitpicking
Feel like your S.O. is always trying to keep you humble? What about if they call you out in big groups?
While some might think subtle — or not so subtle — jabs are funny, others may see them as criticism or humiliation.
It’s the latter that Richardson says can leave you feeling “constantly in the wrong or worthless”.
What to do if you’ve spotted red flags
Ultimately, Richardson says to listen to your gut if you think you’ve identified a red flag.
“Spotting harmful dynamics in the early stages of a relationship can be challenging, especially when affection and manipulation are woven together,” Richardson notes.
“Look for patterns, not isolated incidents. If you’re repeatedly made to feel confused, small or unsafe, that’s worth taking seriously.”
This means that you should interrogate your discomfort if something doesn’t feel right, even if you can’t fully articulate why.
“Talking to someone outside the relationship, whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist, can also offer perspective,” Richardson says.
Online Psychologists Australia’s ‘Red Flag Radar: A Relationship Self-Assessment’ offers a structured way to reflect on your relationship and recognise harmful patterns – an important first step toward safety and self-trust.
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic, family or sexual violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au for online chat and video call services.
Help is available
