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From flirting scandals to postponed weddings, if The Block is anything to go by, renovating is the ultimate test of a relationship.
Though there is much more at stake in the home reno series – last year’s winners took home $1.75 million – a 2013 Houzz survey found 12 per cent of couples considered a divorce while renovating.
While there is a lack of more recent figures to back this up, Sex and Relationship Expert for Womanizer Christine Rafe agrees that even standard home renovations can build tension in a relationship (and not the good kind).
“A sense of routine, predictability and a ‘safe’ and comfortable home environment are all considered big factors in an individual’s overall physical and emotional/psychological health,” Rafe says.
“So when these elements of daily life are not possible because of home renovations, it can cause personal dysregulation which has flow-on effects into a relationship.”
So, while fixing cracks in our homes how can we prevent them from showing up in our relationship?
1. Get on the same page
You might not completely agree with your partner’s small design choices, but you should have the same overall vision for your refurb.
“Some of the decision-making styles that can cause conflict are practical vs emotional decisions, different budget ideas, one person being more focused on speed than quality or detail, and general indecisiveness,” Rafe says.
“Where possible, try and set clear boundaries around timeframes, budgets and who makes which decisions or whether you both make decisions together.”
Just like in our favourite home improvement shows, renovations seldom go smoothly. So, when you face hiccups, remember you and your partner are on the same team.
2. Communicate
Think it’s easier to stay silent if you disagree with your partner? Think again.
Bottling up your emotions and avoiding confrontation through difficulties can lead to resentment (which is a surefire relationship killer). Unfortunately, for us people pleasers, you have to talk it out.
“When communicating difficulties, consider yourself first by asking yourself ‘what am I feeling?’, ‘What am I or can I be responsible for in this?’ and ‘What do I need to resolve this for me?’,” Rafe says.
“If you understand what you’re feeling, how you can own your part in it and you are clear about possible solutions or what you need out of the conversation, it reduces the chances that your partner will see this as you blaming them for something they’ve done ‘wrong’.”
3. Have renovation-free time
We get it, you’re likely thinking of what material the kitchen bench should be 24/7. Consequently, Rafe stresses the importance of boundaries around times or places you and your partner don’t discuss the reno.
“This might seem obvious or feel impossible, but committing to small moments of intentional connection is possible in the chaos,” she says.
“And it will actually support you both in feeling more grounded, clear-minded and on the same page about renovation decisions outside of those moments.”
4. Make space for intimacy
“Our context, which can include home environment, general stress levels, emotional or psychological state, plays heavily into our desire,” she says.
“And consistently people state that a messy home environment can be a massive libido killer.”
As this makes things particularly tricky if you’re sleeping onsite, Rafe suggests considering a different approach to intimacy.
“You might not have all the space, time and energy or intense love-making sessions, but you can take small moments and opportunities to connect,” she says.
“We don’t necessarily need to ‘schedule sex’, but being intentional about carving out time to connect with each other over something that isn’t the renovations will support in maintaining intimacy.”
