Long distance, casual, situational – we know relationships come in many forms, yet one form earns considerable scrutiny: the open relationship (also known as ethical non-monogamy).
Critics tell us that non-monogamous partnerships are rare and destined to fail (look at the discourse that followed when Abbie Chatfield and Konrad Bien-Stephen called time on their open relationship). However non-monogamy is more common than you might think.
According to Normal’s Big Australian Sex Survey 2022, one in three Australians are curious about or currently practising non-monogamy.
WATCH: Abbie Chatfield’s relationship style with Konrad Bien-Stephens. Article continues after video.
Whether you’re considering an open relationship or just want to learn more, here’s what you need to know.
What is ENM?
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is the umbrella term for intimate or romantic relationships that are not entirely exclusive.
What sets ENM apart from infidelity is that those in the relationship consent to having sex with people outside of their partnership. According to pyscho-sexologist and Lovehoney ambassador Chantelle Otten, while open relationships aren’t always a topic at family lunch, they have been a “thing” for a long time.
“Swinging has been common for centuries but hasn’t been spoken about,” she says.
“Open relationships have been seen as taboo and something to keep secret.”
Why do people choose ENM?
In one study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, almost 70 per cent of participants had experienced attraction towards someone other than their long-term partner.
While having crushes is normal, they can cause secrecy and conflict in monogamous relationships: that’s where ENM can help.
Open relationships allow people to disclose their needs, crushes, and extra-marital relationships to their partners, allowing both parties to avoid emotional distress and establish trust.
Otten also explains many people choose to engage in an open or ethically non-monogamous relationship as a way of further exploring their sexuality and desires while still maintaining a consistent romantic relationship.
“A lot of people, especially since the pandemic, are looking for ways to become more adventurous in the bedroom, be it through threesomes, polyamory or a situationship (the space between a hook-up and committed relationship),” Otten explains.
“It’s important to remember that not all open relationships are about sex, but what is key is consent, transparency and open communication.”
WATCH: Madeleine West talks about open relationships. Article continues after video.
Can there still be cheating in ENM?
Though many people might assume ENM is a free-for-all with no repercussions, Otten explains that isn’t the case.
“An open relationship, as with any type of relationship, is built on trust and boundaries, and if either of those are broken this can be a form of cheating and betrayal. Just because there is potential for sexual or romantic relationships with other people, it doesn’t mean anything goes.”
Otten says cheating can still occur if you or your partner cross certain boundaries, such as sexual acts that are off limits or emotional relationships with others.
Is ENM right for you?
As a first step, Otten suggests taking some time to consider why you want to explore an open relationship, how you want to explore it and how you think your partner will want to explore it.
“Do you feel that non-monogamy is central to your identity, are you simply seeking sexual variety, or do you want to explore sex with different genders?” she says.
As open relationships are different for everyone, Otten explains you should choose a style and structure of relationship that works for you.
“Do you want a hierarchical structure, where one relationship, often a spouse or the person you live with, is primary and all other relationships are secondary?”
Other structures include a loose network of casual lovers while living by yourself or even a closed relationship with multiple people.
“The most important thing is finding a relationship that is right for you,” says Otten.
“Every relationship is different and personal and needs to be something you are comfortable and happy with.”
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