Kanye West has said a lot of things in his time; some good, some bad, but most thought-provoking. One line in particular from his song No Church in the Wild sticks out to me: “Love is cursed by monogamy.”
Is it old-school and narrow-minded to stay with one person forever? Or to think respect and love can’t exist in a relationship that doesn’t conform to traditional ideals? Maybe, yet, so many of us can’t help but feel that way. Not Sarah Anne Carter, though. Best described as a highly disciplined free spirit, she doesn’t fit into any one box; especially not one bound by societal norms.
Opening up about being in an open relationship for six and a half years, I can’t help but find her cosmopolitan take on dating très chic. The Catholic guilt that has possessed my friend group since birth makes these stories a rarity in my life, so let me be excited, okay?
A third date question?
“My boyfriend at the time brought it up after just a few weeks of dating,” Carter tells me of how she ended up in such a modern set-up after living a life of monogamy.
I nearly choked, but playing it cool, I casually asked if this offended her. “Not at all; we had been close friends for years,” she replied. “The conversation felt open rather than confronting.” All I can think of is how mature these people are—I’ve seen couples break up over much less.
“We didn’t rush into anything,” she says. “We spent more than a year talking about it before making any changes to our relationship.” Over time, she began warming up to the idea of a different relationship structure, adding: “I don’t think there’s one model that suits everyone. And after plenty of DMCs and a whole lot of boundary setting, their new chapter began.
Fulfilment and fidelity
“As the relationship developed, we became more comfortable with the idea that romantic connections with other people could exist,” she explains. “As long as everyone involved was respectful and understood the dynamic.”
Meaning everyone involved with Carter and her partner was not only aware of their ethical non-monogamy, but also had huge respect for their relationship. “It’s not something I think people should enter into lightly,” she warns. “It requires a lot of emotional maturity and honesty.”
Now, thankfully for Carter, neither she nor her ex was naturally jealous; a common issue many couples testing out an open relationship face. “We also had to communicate clearly about what we did and didn’t want to know,” she explains. “One of the best parts was being able to talk to each other about our other connections without feeling like those topics had to be hidden.”
What were the other best parts, you ask? Touching on the “interesting people in the world” who “added value” to her life during this period, Carter reiterated how fulfilling this setup was for her and her ex. “There was no infidelity in our relationship,” she says. And, let’s be real – that’s a lot more than most people can say.
When love requires a GPS
For anyone assuming Carter’s former flame burnt out over jealousy, betrayal or someone breaking the rules, you’d be wrong. When I ask whether the open relationship itself caused the breakup, Carter shakes her head immediately. “Not at all,” she says. “That part of our relationship actually worked really well.”
Instead, life simply pulled them in different directions. “He moved interstate for work, while I was happy living in Sydney,” she reveals. “Eventually it became difficult to see a long-term future together geographically.”
There’s something almost refreshing about the simplicity of her answer. After six and a half years together, their relationship didn’t implode because they’d chosen to break the mould. It ended for the same reason countless monogamous relationships do: timing and circumstance. Even more surprising? They’re still close friends.
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“I think that says a lot about the respect and communication we had throughout our relationship,” she says. “For six and a half years, being partners worked for us. Now friendship is what works.”
Listening to Carter speak, I realise this conversation was never really about open relationships at all. It was about communication and honesty. Whether discussing boundaries, expectations or attraction to other people, she describes every stage of their relationship with an openness many traditional couples would probably benefit from.
The worst time to explore an open relationship is…
These days, Carter is still honest about her past when dating someone new. “One of the challenges now is that people assume I only want a non-monogamous relationship,” she says. “That’s not true.” Instead, she’s approaching her next relationship with an open mind.
“I’m happy to build whatever relationship feels right with the next person,” she explains. “Whether that’s monogamous or non-monogamous, I don’t feel attached to one model.” She believes honesty from the outset saves everyone time. “I want to date someone who can respect my past, even if it’s not something they’d choose for themselves.”
Fortunately, that’s largely been the attitude of the people closest to her, too. “My family and friends have always wanted me to be happy and in relationships that are healthy and respectful,” she says. “They may not all choose that relationship style themselves, but they could see ours was built on trust, communication and consent.”
Of course, Carter knows open relationships aren’t for everyone. In fact, one misconception frustrates her more than any other. “I think people assume opening a relationship will fix one that’s already struggling,” she says. “Personally, I think that’s probably the worst time to explore it.”
It’s a marathon, not a sprint
In her view, ethical non-monogamy doesn’t require less commitment. If anything, it demands more.
“Trust, security, honesty and communication all have to be there first,” she explains. “Otherwise you’re just magnifying problems that already exist.”
As our chat comes to an end, I think back to that Kanye lyric which kicked this whole conversation off. Is love cursed by monogamy? I’m still not wholly convinced. But after hearing Carter’s story, I am certain of something else entirely: there’s no single blueprint for a successful relationship.
What matters isn’t what it looks like from the outside, but whether the people inside it feel respected and free to live the life that works for them.
That’s a mantra even this serial monogamist can get behind!
Read more columns in the Between Us series, here.
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