From incest to money-laundering, season three of The White Lotus is delving into some pretty extreme topics. One not so far-fetched though, is what happens when you’ve outgrown a friendship.
In the series, long-time gal pals Laurie (Carrie Coon), Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan), and Kate (Leslie Bibb) go on a girls’ trip to Thailand’s Koh Samui for a reunion.
Yet, from Laurie leaving the villa and Kate and Jaclyn gossiping about her to when the trio realise they have differing political views, it’s clear they’re not as close as they used to be.
Uncomfy? Definitely. But, while it’s hard to admit, most of us have been in a similar situation.
“While we often expect to stay close to our friends forever, the truth is, most friendships evolve and sometimes that means growing apart, that’s okay,” explains the founder of the friendship app Tribal and clinical psychologist Rachel Harker.
“There is a societal expectation that we will be friends with people forever and that’s probably due to the messages we received growing up, that friendships are meant to last a lifetime.”
And, while some friendships do stand the test of time – kudos to them – the majority will shift or even end.
So, how can we tell we’ve outgrown a friendship — and avoid a tense group holiday?
Why do we outgrow friendships?
“As we go through the different seasons of our lives, we change, evolve and adapt and sometimes that means drifting apart from friends,” Harker notes.
“Our experiences shape and define us, and because of that, we may grow apart from our friends.”
Harker explains the most common reasons for outgrowing friendships revolve around lifestyle shifts.
These include career changes, moving interstate or overseas or starting a family.
“Our values and priorities may also shift as we grow older, what matters to you in your 20s may be quite different to what matters to you in your later years,” she says.
“Major life events, in particular traumatic events such as loss or grief can significantly shape us and impact our relationships.”
And lastly, sometimes it’s as simple as evolving differently to your friend. Poetic, really.
Signs you’ve outgrown your friendship
“Outgrowing a friendship can bring mixed feelings however it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad has happened,” Harker explains.
“It could be a subtle change over months or even years”
Some signs that you might be outgrowing a friendship include:
- Conversations feeling forced: Did you once have free-flowing conversations, but now you’re running out of things to say?
- Less frequent contact: You go longer between chats and it bothers neither of you.
- Something seems off: You feel drained rather than uplifted after hanging out, or your cup doesn’t feel full like it used to.
- Filtering yourself: Are you holding back or purposely not discussing certain areas of your life?
What to do if you’ve outgrown your friendship
Given we’re told that friendships should last forever, it’s normal to feel emotional about growing distant from a friend. Here are Harker’s tips to navigate this tricky time:
- Acknowledge your feelings: It’s okay to feel sad or nostalgic. Sit with those emotions rather than brushing them aside — any attempt to bury our feelings doesn’t make them go away.
- Reflect and journal: Writing down our thoughts and feelings can help us process what we are going through and bring clarity and closure.
- Communicate (if possible): Consider sitting down and having an open and honest conversation. You might find you and your friend are feeling the same way and it’s a relief for both of you. No one wants to be on the receiving end of a ghosting, so be honest where you can.
- Prioritise self-care: The end of a friendship can feel like the end of an era. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who support your growth.
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