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"I was dying to be perfect": Tammin Sursok opens up about her hellish eating disorder

She is so brave - by Nadia Elshawarby
  • 12 Jul 2019

Pretty Little Liars star Tammin Sursok has penned a heartbreaking post about her past struggle with an eating disorder.

WATCH: Tammin explains how she makes sure her kids have a healthy relationship with food:

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The former Aussie soap star turned Hollywood actress shared a picture of her younger self to Instagram yesterday, informing her fans that this was at the height of her eight-year-long eating disorder and that despite her seemingly happy healthy appearance, she was deeply sad.

“This was the height of my eating disorder,” the 35-year-old former Home and Away actress began.

tamminsursok View Profile
35.7k likes - View Post on Instagram
This was the height of my eating disorder. That day I had eaten half a pack of rice thins and 5 cups of coffee. That's what I had lived on for almost 6 months prior. I remember how sad I felt. Ha. Pictures lie, don't they? I was dying to be perfect. The illusion of perfection that one cannot attain. For perfection is a road that never reaches a destination. I was not well for 8 years. 15yrs old - 23 years old. 8 years of torture I put myself through to remain slim after I had been tormented as an overweight kid. For I feared that if I went back to that then the emotional pain would be worse than the physical one I was putting myself through. Your secrets make you sick. And I believe the more we talk about our truth the less isolated we become. We start to heal. The grass seems greener on the other side because the grass is fake. No one is walking around without demons. Remember that. For being human is being flawed. And when we embrace those imperfections we ARE "perfect". Because we are our truth. If you are going through something like I did, know that you can get better. At 23, I hit rock bottom. I stopped wanting to be sick. And I've been healthy every day since. Never looked back. On my podcast this week @womenontopofficial I talk about my eating disorder for the first time. You can find it in my bio. I love you all and you got this xxxx

“That day I had eaten half a pack of rice thins and 5 cups of coffee. That’s what I had lived on for almost 6 months prior. I remember how sad I felt. Ha. Pictures lie, don’t they? I was dying to be perfect.”

"The illusion of perfection that one cannot attain. For perfection is a road that never reaches a destination. I was not well for 8 years,” she continued.

"8 years of torture I put myself through to remain slim after I had been tormented as an overweight kid."

1

Tammin pictured in 2004.

Getty

Earlier this year the actress shared a picture of her 13-year-old self, alongside a caption detailing the horrendous bullying she suffered as a child.

"Hi, It’s me, your future self, I’m standing on the sideline looking back at your ripe, fleshy, hopeful face and I know what happens when the arm of the clock aggressively hits its top pinnacle," she wrote.

tamminsursok View Profile
114.5k likes - View Post on Instagram
Dear 13 Year Old Tammin, Hi, It's me, your future self, I'm standing on the sideline looking back at your ripe, fleshy, hopeful face and I know what happens when the arm of the clock aggressively hits its top pinnacle. The boy standing in front of you will break you. He will break your heart in ways you never thought possible. He will embarrass you as you feel the stares of awkward pre pubescent males all stifling a hearty laugh. You will feel the chambers of your heart beat out of your chest as the blood dizzies around every cell of your body. For what you were waiting for, what keeps you up each night in desperate, feverish anticipation, is not the what the boy in front of you feels. Not only does he not have any giddy interest in you, but he will verbalize in front of everyone that you are indeed "FAT" and after he miniaturizes you, he will parade away. And you will feel like the stage lights just blasted and you are standing upon a stage, naked, in all your quarter pounder glory. I can see you right now. The white cotton in your purple swimsuit stretches and moans as you fight to get it over your shoulders. You'd do anything to never swim again. You watch the unblemished swim team glide past, their bodies, as if carved out of medieval stone, fly like gazelles diving into the frigid water. Now it's your turn. The room is deafening. The faces around you start to blur and decolor as you feel like you are a passenger on your own haunted hayride, that is your life. You dive. Well, you try. You try to dive. Your body can't propel you high enough so you falter, you slip and you fall. Hitting the water so hard that you feel like your body has been stung by a team of the Hamilton island jelly fish. As you come up for disorientated air, all you hear, is the muffled chuckles and with all eyes on you, you have become the punchline, once again. I see that girl. She will spend your school years antagonizing you, she will make it her duty to beat you down, trying to suck from a straw any self respect you might have. Distracting herself will deflect the self loathing she feels for herself but you wont know that just yet. Not only (continued in the comments)

"The boy standing in front of you will break you. He will break your heart in ways you never thought possible. He will embarrass you as you feel the stares of awkward pre-pubescent males all stifling a hearty laugh.

"Not only does he not have any giddy interest in you, but he will verbalize in front of everyone that you are indeed 'FAT' and after he miniaturizes you, he will parade away.

"I see that girl. She will spend your school years antagonizing you, she will make it her duty to beat you down, trying to suck from a straw any self respect you might have.

"Not only will she steal your first real love, but she will celebrate it.

"But one day things will change. You will change."

tamminsursok View Profile
55.5k likes - View Post on Instagram
This time last year I was sitting in church on Easter after my last (unbeknownst to me) miscarriage praying so hard for another child and feeling defeated. That was exactly one year ago today. Prayer can be answered. Never give up. There is always hope. Happy Easter to you and your family. We love you ❤️

Tammin shares five-year-old daughter Phoenix and six-month old daughter Lennon with husband Sean McEwan.

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Nadia Elshawarby
Nadia is a writer for WHO.com.au

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