Playing the field, punching above your weight, throwing in the towel – the game of love is rife with sports terminology.
And now there’s one more to describe the latest romance trend: roster dating.
Just like drawing up a roster for a sports team, the focus here is on creating a line-up of potential partners who each fill your cup in their own way.
From the one who can happily debrief on work woes for hours to the one who’s the ultimate partner in crime for Friday night drinks, there’s less pressure to commit to just one person right off the bat.
“Roster dating is when you’re intentionally dating more than one person at a time without committing too early to one of them, while you figure out who feels aligned,” relationship expert Dr Lurve explains.
And while seeing multiple people at once isn’t anything new, Dr Lurve explains this modern take is less about playing the field and more about personal empowerment.
“It’s not about playing games. It’s about slowing attachment down and dating with intention,” she says.
“It’s deliberate dating to find alignment, not distracted dating for a dopamine hit.”
The benefits of roster dating
According to Dr Lurve, the biggest takeaway from roster dating is perspective.
Guilty of having a few great dates and immediately fast-tracking someone to a serious relationship status? Roster dating could be the antidote.
“When you’re only dating one person from the start, it’s easy to create a story in your head about who they could be in your future – you fill in the gaps, you romanticise potential,” Dr Lurve explains.
“In doing that, you can ignore or miss red flags because you’ve already emotionally invested in a picture you’ve created.”
Not only helpful in avoiding over-attachment, roster dating also allows you to make direct comparisons between different partners and their communication styles, behaviours and intentions – all in real time.
“You’re dating with data, not just desire,” Dr Lurve says. “Instead of saying, ‘Oh, my gosh, they’re perfect,’ you shift the narrative to: ‘Let’s see how this person shows up over time.”
The risks of roster dating
Dating can be tricky at the best of times, let alone while juggling multiple partners, so it’s safe to say this isn’t for everyone.
“It can feel emotionally scattered if you don’t have strong boundaries. So if you struggle with boundaries, I’d suggest not doing it,” Dr Lurve says.
“It can also create confusion if you’re not transparent or your expectations aren’t clear.”
Before diving in, Dr Lurve advises being honest with yourself and identifying if you’re actually using this style of dating to avoid intimacy.
“Roster dating can turn transactional if you’re not careful – you might delay depth to avoid vulnerability or commitment,” she says.
“If you don’t communicate properly, it can hurt people.”
How to work the roster
According to Dr Lurve, these are the best ways to roster date effectively:
• Date with intention, not ego. You’re not collecting options, you’re collecting information.
• Keep your standards consistent. Don’t bend your rules for the one you’re most attracted to.
• Pay attention to behaviour over words – reliability trumps chemistry.
• Don’t overshare too early. Emotional intimacy should deepen with consistency.
• Know when to narrow it down. Roster dating is a phase, not a lifestyle. Use it as it’s intended, not as an excuse for endless options.
The bottom line
Ultimately, honesty is key when it comes to roster dating respectfully.
“Don’t lie about exclusivity and don’t promise future commitment while dating others,” Dr Lurve says.
“Roster dating works when it’s transparent and mature. It becomes messy when it’s secretive or ego-driven. Don’t emotionally breadcrumb and exit cleanly when you know someone isn’t aligned.
“We’re in an era where exclusivity is no longer assumed,” she adds. “The difference between a situationship and roster dating is clarity. A situationship is undefined, reactive and emotionally ambiguous. Roster dating is intentional, exploratory and values-driven.”
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